Utopia
by typedamon
Summary: Little Elena Gilbert had always loved dreaming, creating a world full of light and safety and magic in the back of her mind. However, as she grew older her real life took a turn for the worse and the world in her head became the safe haven she called Utopia. When Utopia is shattered by a mental illness that threatens to consume her, there is only one person who can fix her.
1. Prologue

Full Summary: From a young age, little Elena Gilbert had always loved dreaming, creating a world full of light and safety and magic in the back of her mind. However, as she grew older her real life took a turn for the worse and the world in her head became the safe haven she called Utopia. When Utopia is shattered by a mental illness that threatens to consume her, there is only one person in the world who is able to pick up the pieces. AU.

UTOPIA

The little girl smiled as she snuggled down deeper into the covers of her bed, worming her way into the most comfortable position she could find. The night light spread a warm golden glow through her room, making everything feel magical and mysterious. Sometimes the mirror caught the reflection of light, sending spirals of twinkling lights dancing through her bedroom, just like the fairy palaces she read about in her story books with her mother. Squeezing her teddy tighter to her chest, the girl took one last sleepy look around her bedroom before pressing her eyes tightly shut, excited for sleep to come to her.

Dreaming, was her favourite ever thing. She loved it when her mind ran rampant, allowed to do whatever it wanted. At night, nothing could interrupt her mind… not a boring teacher chanting the alphabet, or a friend demanding attention. It was just her and the beautiful images her head conjured for her, the cinematically glorious moving pictures that her drew her into a world that was so fiercely enchanting, she wished she could never leave it.

Slowly, as her breathing deepened, she felt herself being sucked into the familiar closed comfort of sleep. As the world she loved and cherished beyond all recognition began to unfold before her shut eyelids, Elena Gilbert knew her sleeping face would display a smile of sweet contentment...

A world rich in colour greeted Elena as she opened her eyes. Still holding her teddy, Elena gave a squeal of delight, stomping her feet a little in the long green grass that tickled her bare knees, excitement coursing through her body. She had done it. She was back in _that_ place. The place she most loved to come. Bouncing on the balls of her feet, Elena looked to her left and right. She knew exactly what she would see, but every time she just wanted to capture it again, to keep it crystal clear in her mind for the morning.

Flowers were everywhere, splashes of all sorts of colour the decorated the beautiful landscape that brought joy to Elena. Pressing her teddy to her lips Elena smiled into his soft woolly head. She moved slowly over to the nearest collection of flowers, reaching down and running her fingertips across the velvety waxy petals. She momentarily closed her eyes as she drew in a deep breath, taking in the scent of the world that surrounded her.

Every night, it was the place she visited. Although she rarely encountered people, she felt entirely happy to just sit alone with her teddy, to lie back in the grass and look at the bright blue sky above her. To think about every possible thing she could begin to contemplate in her childish mind. Every night that she came to the magic world of her mind, it grew in clarity. It became clearer and clearer, stronger in her head and more perfectly beautiful.

When she shared her dreams with people, it was never _this_ one that she shared. And there was reason for it.

It was hers.

And she would only share, when she had found that someone that she believed was worth sharing it with.

"Elena, honey, time to get up." Miranda Gilbert sat lightly on the edge of her five year old daughter's bed, resting a hand softly on the small girl's shoulder. Gently, she shook her child. It didn't take long for those big brown eyes to flutter open, sparkling with a zesty energy that made her seem even more beautiful to her mother. There was something about Elena that set her apart from the typical small child, and Miranda knew she didn't think that simply because it was _her_ daughter. Elena had a wonder for the world that stretched way beyond typical childlike curiosity, extending more into an appreciation and gratitude for life you didn't expect so see from a grown adult, let alone a five year old girl.

"Mommy, can you write down my dream?" As always, Miranda had come prepared for her daughter's typical morning request. Elena loved to keep whatever she dreamt about close at heart. The only times that she had ever expressed emotions of frustration or anger had been when she had dreamt about something that utterly captivated her, only to lose the essence of it throughout the day as her life stole the dream from her brain. Thus, Miranda had started the 'Dream Diary', so that Elena could return to them whenever she wished.

Miranda, armed with her pen and notepad listened as Elena described every small thing from her dream. The detail that she went into never ceased to amaze Miranda. It was as if Elena stored every small thing, from the texture of a petal to the colour of a butterflies wings carefully in her mind, ready for it be spilt in ink across the page of what had debatably turned into her favourite book. There were no questions about it - one day Elena was going to be a fantastic author. When Elena had finished explaining her dream for the diary, Miranda stood back and let the girl get on with her morning routine.

That was another thing about Elena that was partly alarming as well as incredible. She was incredibly self-sufficient for a small child, craving independence at every possible chance she could. She was relying on her mom less and less, and was able to wash, dress herself, brush her hair and teeth properly… anything that she _should_ have struggled with, she didn't.

Whilst Miranda understood it was probably a blessing that Elena was intelligent and independent, it also worried her a little. Grayson had told her more than once to stop stressing so much - she shouldn't be thinking about when she would no longer be needed by her daughter. The child was only five years old after all. But she couldn't help but feel as if Elena was going to need her less even faster than usual kids stopped needing their parents.

"Momma, can you get me breakfast?" Elena asked, flicking her thick brown hair back over the collar of her t-shirt. Miranda nodded, heading downstairs, a smile on her face. Elena's bubbly mood was infectious. If the sleepless nights parents complained of when they're encountered with a newborn child were hell, this was definitely worth it. There was nothing quite like the presence of an excited child to warm your heart when it felt frosty, or cure your woes. Grateful to whatever God may have been looking down on her when they decided to bless her womb with a child such as Elena, Miranda set to work fixing breakfast.

As Miranda pottered about the kitchen toasting bread, pouring orange juice and getting out the butter and raspberry jam that her daughter had come to favour above all other breakfast foods, she sent a silent thank you to heavens above. She had been granted with a blissful, beautiful little girl, and she wouldn't have had it any other way.


	2. Chapter 1

Full Summary: From a young age, little Elena Gilbert had always loved dreaming, creating a world full of light and safety and magic in the back of her mind. However, as she grew older her real life took a turn for the worse and the world in her head became the safe haven she called Utopia. When Utopia is shattered by a mental illness that threatens to consume her, there is only one person in the world who is able to pick up the pieces. AU.

UTOPIA

_"Elena?" _

Jeremy Gilbert forced himself to continue looking at the screen. The woman who had been seeing his sister for nearly a month spoke with a voice that was a mixture of false concern and medical professionalism; both things that he could come to detest. Evidently, this form of therapy was not working for his sister. It was so _hard_. To see her like that - so still, leaning back in her seat, eyes blank and unstaring as she looked straight over the Doctor's shoulder and at the wall behind her head.

He didn't have a clue why his parents had insisted that he sat and watched the recordings that they were given of Elena's therapy sessions. He was sure that unless his sister said so, they were supposed to be entirely confidential. Although, she hadn't really cared about anything in so long. Not her appearance, not her friends. Not even her family. And that was what hurt Jeremy most. They had been close in their younger years. So close that sometimes it felt like Elena had been his only true friend... but now on the rare times that they conversed, it was like there was an ocean between them. They were separated by something that he failed to comprehend.

_"Elena, can you tell me what it is that makes you want to hurt yourself?" _

Jeremy's head darted upwards, his eyes focusing on the screen as he heard Elena shuffle in her seat. Beside him, his father moved awkwardly. In previous sessions, the doctor had constantly skirted around the subject, trying to indirectly get Elena to start talking. So apparently, this was their attempt at the bold, straight-up approach. The singular shuffle was the first move Elena had made in the ten minutes she had been in the room. She was now looking at her doctor with dark eyes that saw, but didn't really _see_ anything. It was like a shutter had fallen over the front of her face, trapping her in a world that was invisible to everyone else. Jeremy stiffened, his hands tightening on the edges of the sofa. Just a word from Elena, a single word, to help the world help her. _That's all it takes. _

There was an agonisingly long moment of silence.

Then she snapped.

A guttural scream from deep within her sounded as if it had been ripped from her throat. She flew to it her feet, animalistic rage propelling her forward as she savagely beat her head against the wall, repeatedly, harder and harder. Every thump was like a knife to Jeremy's heart. Tears pricked at the back of his eyes as he watched helplessly. He wanted to leave, to run up to his room, but there was something about the scene that kept him rooted to the spot, planted firmly in the chair. All he wanted to do was be with her, to try and console her. His breath became trapped in his chest as he watched his sister being efficiently removed by trained carers, leaving a ringing silence in her wake.

The recording clicked off. Jeremy's parents wordlessly left the room, Miranda thumping noisily up the stairs, sobs escaping her lips as she went, Grayson trailing after her, utterly bewildered. _Elena, you are so selfish. __Selfish, selfish, selfish. _As he internally screamed the word, he pummelled his fists repeatedly into the back of the sofa, punching the cushions until they were dented and deformed. After his fit of rage had eventually subsided, leaving him breathing heavily, Jeremy inhaled deeply before letting out a long breath.

It wasn't that she was selfish. She wasn't, not really. It was that she was lost. She'd gone too far down that path of loneliness, of self-loathing, misery and hate. She'd lost the cobble stones and got hopelessly consumed by the heavy woodland, those thick overhanging branches concealing all the light. Trapped, behind the shutters that had fallen in front of her eyes, living in a state of despair, completely broken. She wasn't in her right mind. And as much as Jeremy wanted to have something to shout at, someone to blame, he found that he couldn't let it be her. No, he was never angry at _her._ He was angry at himself. He was her brother. He should've been able to help her. He was angry, because even though all he wanted to do was help... he would never be enough.

And what killed him the most, was the fact he held the knowledge of just who would be able to help her.

Elena clicked the bones in her fingers repeatedly as she stared up at the blank white ceiling. She was restless, her over-active brain never quite able to let her lapse into a state of peace. Peace? The word alone made her want to laugh out loud. Peace was an emotion that she hadn't felt in a long time. In fact, she wasn't even aware if she knew how it felt any more. Elena had spent too long, desperately miserable, anxious and on edge, awaiting the times where it would feel like her entire body was seizing up, forcing her to double over in agony as painful memories flashed through her head. Each small segment of these memories that flared up in Elena's mind made her feel as is a spear were being driven through her body, hard fast and rough.

The excruciating pain eradicated any form of what little rational thought Elena still possessed, leaving her with nothing but a horrifying burn in her heart that made her turn animalistic with rage and worryingly self-destructive. The reasons behind the rage were describable. But she didn't have any desire to come clean and share them with the woman that sat opposite her in the drab and plain office, with nothing but a false interest in trying to help Elena with her problems.

Doctor Crawford only sat in that chair because she was paid to do so. On the tapes of their sessions that Elena knew were sent home to her parents, Crawford always looked like a picture of concern, a professional with a strong desire to help those seated before her. Really, Elena could see past her front. She could see straight through her, to the colours of her soul. And all was black. A black soul for a woman driven by greed.

A soft knock at Elena's door caused her to surface from her thoughts. Anchoring herself up a little so that she was sat straight, Elena waited for the door to swing open. She held her breath a little, praying that it wasn't Crawford coming to put their next session down on the schedule. With what seemed like a long, drawn out movement, the person behind the door stepped through. Elena exhaled, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

The door revealed a large, dark skinned woman with black hair pulled back into a bun so tight it made Elena's scalp hurt to look at. The woman's liquid brown eyes had a sense of vitality and life that was refreshing to see around such an abysmally depressing place, and she walked with spring in her step that suggested she was so happy and content in her life. Whilst Elena envied Cora Banaltra, she had never been able to bring herself to regard the care nurse with the hostile feelings she aimed at the other members of staff.

"Hello, honey!" Cora's deep voice rumbled around the small space, warm and friendly. "I have come to see if you are wanting your meal choices for this week changed up, because you haven't actually eaten anything since Sunday when they were changed."

That was the thing about Cora - she went that extra step further to ensure that those in her care were always happy and comfortable. She actually cared.

Elena half smiled at the woman, shrugging. "Do whatever takes the least amount of time for you to make. I probably won't eat it anyway."

"Lost your appetite, honey?" Cora sat down on the end of Elena's bed, wincing a little as the springs creaked under her weight. Elena just shrugged, offering no words. It wasn't something that she particularly wanted to talk about. Usually she was up for some small off the record discussions with Cora, but after the earlier disastrous session with Crawford, it just all felt too raw. Cora gave Elena a small, sympathetic smile before patting her knee. "Well, Elena, I will do as you wish and prepare things that are easy to make, and easy to eat. Of course, I'm not saying you have to eat it, 'cause ya don't. Just do what makes you feel better." Cora got to her feet, an amused expression crossing her face when the noise of the groaning springs occured again.

Cora paused in the doorway. "But Elena, one thing I will say is get some sleep. Even the bags under your eyes have luggage." With a departing wave, Cora closed the door. Elena listened for a while. She could hear Cora singing as she made her way back up the corridor.

_Green grass, flowers and everything that was wonderful surrounded her once again. Taking a few deep, calming breaths, Elena hesitantly lifted her left foot, pausing for a moment with it poised in the air. Balancing there was easy. She felt weightless. Free. The liberty that her 'happy place' gave her was almost overwhelming - but a small part of her knew it would be short lived. Dropping a her foot to the ground, Elena took one step forward._

_The world around her exploded, leaving nothing but a ringing sensation and what felt like eternal darkness._

* * *

hallo, just leaving this note to apologise for such a horrifically written short chapter, but i just wanted to get this up before i left for school! i was in the process of making changes, but i thought, y'know what - YOLO. so i just put it up how it was. it has been proof read, but rather hurriedly so once again, apologies for any mistakes! thanks peeps and r&r if you please :D x


	3. Chapter 2

Full Summary: From a young age, little Elena Gilbert had always loved dreaming, creating a world full of light and safety and magic in the back of her mind. However, as she grew older her real life took a turn for the worse and the world in her head became the safe haven she called Utopia. When Utopia is shattered by a mental illness that threatens to consume her, there is only one person in the world who is able to pick up the pieces. AU.

UTOPIA

Dr Crawford fought the urge to slam her fists into the top of her antique desk. Frustration had been mounting in recent weeks, manifesting into an anger that she could just about control. It was easy around her clients, to be cool with that professional detachment, to make people believe that she was a person who was good at achieving results on a non-personal level. And it was true, she was good. In fact, she was better than good. It was that one case that was dragging her back, that one patient she had spent an entire month working closely with and getting absolutely no where. Elena goddamned Gilbert, the beautiful girl with the long brunette hair and the big doe eyes.

If there was anything that Crawford was positive of, it was that she had been quite the loveable girl. When Elena had first moved into the Institute a month ago, her belonging had been carted in with her. Amidst all the packages of essentials and books she had once loved to read, were an array of photographs, old and new. Most featured Elena, surrounded by a gaggle of friends, laughter lines prominent in her skin and a big smile that stretched across her face. Some were her with just select individuals - her mother, her father, her brother. And that boy.

That boy with the ebony black hair and the unusually bright blue eyes. A smirk on his face that would have seemed more than a little menacing if the raw, unhidden emotion of love wasn't beaming from every visible pore of his body. And it was strange, that since Elena had unpacked, Dr Crawford had never seen those photos again. On the rare, brief visits she made to her patients room, she had always noticed the pile of photographs that were face down on her dresser, shoved aside and forgotten.

The only conclusion that Dr Crawford had ever been able to draw up was that this boy, whoever he was, had meant something to Elena. He'd been as important to her as her family, if not more. There was something about her face in those pictures that tugged at Crawford's heartstrings, the overpowering love that just seemed to shine through every pore of her skin. Seeing Elena's face, frozen in smiles of captivating beauty, Dr Crawford knew just how easy it would have been for the handsome young man to fall in love with her. However, Elena had never mentioned him. Not a single word have been uttered, or a male name that could even be slightly associated with the mysterious boy in her photographs.

Taking several deep, calming breaths, Crawford rocked back in her chair, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling as she sifted through her brain for some kind of inkling with what to do next. She'd sent the video of Elena's last session back to the Gilbert's as she'd promised. They hadn't been in touch yet, but all Dr Crawford could assume was that it wouldn't be too long before Miranda was sobbing hysterically down the phone again, the sounds of her husband, Grayson, trying to calm in her a voice that would have been soothing had it not been for the obvious wobble as he fought to keep his composure. Her parents loved her. That was blindingly obvious. Elena had always had a family who doted on her, supported her through everything.

But maybe... maybe there was something else. And her family hadn't been enough. With new resolve, Dr Crawford lunged for her office phone and punched in Miranda Gilbert's cell phone number.

-o-

"Sometimes I struggle to think of her as she was before. A spritely little girl, with dark brown eyes that were full of such wonder and joy at everything she beheld." Miranda shook her head, her eyes lifting skyward, a small smile decorating her face as her mind drifted back to the past. It was nice to see the woman relaxed and cheerful, lost in the haze of good memories that dulled her traumatic connections to the present. Dr Crawford could only pray that her plan would work. Her first meeting with Elena's mother had been tense, under the controlled conditions within the four walls of her official office. Miranda had been nervous and fidgety, her eyes darting left and right like a wild animal trapped in the headlights of a car. Maybe, just _maybe_ there had been details that Miranda had left out about Elena, purely down to the pressure of the situation, and a relaxed, 'off the records' trip out could bring them to the surface.

"It was the way she just digested information; she swallowed it in, always thirsty to know more." Miranda let out a small laugh as a faraway look crossed her brown eyes. "When Elena was five years old, I took her on a play date to her friend Caroline's house. She was playing in the garden, in the sun for a few hour with Bonnie and Caroline until she just promptly plopped herself down onto the floor. Her brow furrowed in this adorable, perplexed way and she just started raking at the earth with her fingertips. I just watched her from the porch until she got up and came rushing over to me.

"Elena was holding a fistful of powdery dirt, her face scrunched up in confusion. Then she said in the most serious voice I'd ever seen from a girl of her age: 'Mommy, why has the ground got so crumbly and the grass so yellow?'" Miranda's entire face softened with affection. Dr Crawford nodded encouragingly, her brain ticking away rapidly. Miranda had never mentioned Elena's quest for knowledge before, her desire to understand things that most children wouldn't have cared about. Intrigued, Crawford indicated to a nearby park bench and sat lightly down beside Miranda, waiting a little impatiently for the woman to continue. "So i just told her the truth. That the ground had got so crumbly because of the sun. The sun had been out so long, in the heatwave, that it was drying it up. Without the wetness in the ground, the grass can't stay green because it starts to wither. It begins to die."

Miranda looked down at her hands, her eyes glazing with tears. "And then Elena just closed her eyes and murmured something really quietly. Something that was so softly spoken, I don't think she wanted me to hear it."

"What'd she say?" Dr Crawford asked, leaning closer. She could tell that this was going to be the first big discovery, the nugget of information that was so tiny, so simple and easy to overlook as anything important, but so crucial to what was going on inside Elena's head. She waited, a little impatiently, for Miranda to brush away a tear that went sliding down her cheek.

"Don't worry, I'll never let that happen to you." Miranda inhaled shakily, a smile twitching at her mouth. With a small shake of her head, she looked at Crawford. "I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to have to go. Jeremy joined the football team and I promised him that I'd go watch his first game. If I stay any longer, then I'll miss it." With another hasty apology, Miranda got to her feet and scampered away without a backward glance.

Dr Crawford watched her go, the gears of her mind spinning rapidly. If Elena was anything like her mother, it would mean that she made a speedy retreat when things got slightly out of hand. But that didn't explain Elena's childish words. They could mean anything from an imaginary friend, to a promise to somebody or something real that she loved. Frustration ploughed through her body, making her feel too weak to stand. The weight of Elena's condition was cumbersome; it was like Dr Crawford could feel the girl's problem pressing on her shoulders, screaming to be seen but remaining invisible. They were missing something, something that must be so crucial and vital but so underlying that it couldn't quite claw it's way to the surface. Tiredly, Dr Crawford made a slow stroll back to her car.

-o-

Elena paced restlessly, back and forth across her room. It was ten hurried steps from one side to the other, quick and fast paced. Ten even steps, no matter how rushed or slow. She felt trapped, stifled and contained by the walls that held steadfastly in place, caged in a room with nothing but haunting thoughts and memories she wanted to forget. It was those pictures - those goddamn pictures that stood her on her desk, mocking her. The smile of the girl she barely recognized, so bright and full of vitality. Looking into the mirror, Elena noticed with an odd sense of detachment that she was a merely ghost of her former self. She looked the same, but different. A familiar stranger. Her face was thinner, her eyes ringed by shadows of tiredness and stress. Her hair, still the same dark shade as the images portrayed, was bedraggled and tousled, an untameable mess of knots and clumps. There were no signs of laughter, no light of life or joy in her face. She was sallow, cold and lifeless.

Nothing had seemed to matter when her world broke. It had happened so rapidly, quicker than blinking. One minute, it had been her special place. The next, it was full of shadows, darkness and hostile thoughts that her sent fleeing back to a reality far worse than anything her imagination could conjure. And that was the problem. The real world, the planet on which she lived had positively terrified her. The only thing that had made her strong, was that sanctuary in her brain. A slice of heaven that had somehow been injected in her skull.

It had been hers, and hers alone. Until she had met him. The one person on the entire earth who had made her feel utterly secure. That boy... with his ice blue eyes and sooty black hair. Those broad shoulders, that sensual mouth. Those calloused, rough hands that had seen too much too soon with the softest touch imaginable. That boy, had been driven away from her. And just as he had tore through her heart, the world in her head had ripped at the seams, leaving nothing but the agony and torture of her ever-present, all consuming fears.

* * *

Mass apology yet again for such a late update; school work is demanding and i've been going through some personal stuff recently!  
hope you's all enjoyed  
make my day and leave me some reviews or constructive crit, any questions just ask and i'll get back to you!

ps if any of you like 'The Hunger Games', i was at the world premiere for 'Catching Fire' on Monday, be jealous! ;-)  
much love! 3


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